Intro to Shedding the Layer

What a wild ride it has been! Most of you reading this know about the loss of my best friend and sister, Tate - but some of you new to reading my blogs do not. In August of 08 we lost Tate to a simple surgery gone wrong! It was completely unexpected and by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me! I won't go into each and every tear, or grieving moment since then, but I will say first and foremost how amazing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is! I take comfort each and every single day in the fact that my sister is dancing on the streets of gold - and is watching over all of us - in every move that we make. She will forever be missed, and I will always have a hole in my heart about the size of her - but thank you Jesus, she is living in Your glorious kingdom!

I truly feel as though she is now my guardian angel, watching over me, laughing with me, riding in my car with me, and even wrapping her arms around me as I dream at night! Now more than ever I can say that I need a guardian angel - as I have taken her death and my loss and opened up my eyes and my heart to God's voice and have realized that all along the way of my life, through all of the ups and downs, and all of the uncertainties, and doubts, and fears, failures included - I now know that I am to do what I had intended on doing all along. Finally follow my dream as a young girl and go to Houghton College - for the equestrian program! How awesome God is - and to think...He knew all along that this is where my wandering would lead me!! Every possible door has been flung open for this quest - which confirms in my spirit each and every single day, that this is His plan for my life. Finally - at 28 years old, I finally know what I am to do with my existence! I never thought the day would come - and right there, like a flash before my eyes, when I was least expecting it - I knew.

It was mid-to-late October, Shawn and I had gone up to visit my other sister and her husband in Houghton. We had an amazing day - full of little blessings...we got to be up in the organ loft as a student practiced in the chapel - talk about amazing! It was so powerful to be up there with him playing that beautiful and majestic instrument! We had a perfect day for hiking around Letchworth in the fall - and we had a lot of laughs! We decided to end our adventure by taking my niece up to see the horses at the college horse farm - a place I had not been in over 10 years! I had long given up on my dream to become an accomplished rider - I had long ago given into the fear that remained festering in my soul since the summer at horse camp where I had been thrown, and since scared to death - not only of the horses, but of the fear itself. As we were happily driving along, we turned onto Tucker Hill Road - and soon we were turning onto School Farm Road - right then and there something so unexpected happened inside of me. To this day I cannot fully explain what exactly happened. I just know that it was like God Himself was whispering sweetly in my ear...I felt as though He Himself was gently nudging on my soul, and carefully guiding me by the arm - leading me up the road to the barn. Once there, we got to go in and out of all of the barns and luckily all of the horses were in their stalls so we could see them in all of their beauty. The funny thing was - this whole time we were wandering up and down the aisles of awesomeness - I could not bring myself to pet one - not one single feel - not one touch - nothing - I got really close to some of them, but at the end, pulled my hand away and continued on. I then realized at that moment two things: the first thing that was quickly becoming clear to me was that I was still just as much in love with horses as I had ever been! A deep, passionate, can't sleep at night love. I could feel the burning of the tears behind my eyes - I tear up now just recalling this day that changed my life! I also realized that my fear, or what was once my fear of horses, was so much bigger than I had even realized! Not dealing with my fear over the years caused it to stay in my soul - to lay dormant and fester into something that I hadn't even realized. It was so big, I could barely get a handle on it. I was torn with these two discoveries - I was still deeply in love with horses, but feared nothing more. Very confusing indeed!

The rest is history...By the time we were on our way home that evening, it was clear to me that my spirit was tangled and broken - I didn't quite know where to put all of this new information - I think I cried the whole way to Bradford. A few months later, after much thinking and praying and praying some more - I was accepted (finally) for admission to Houghton College! All along the way, I would pray with all of my might - if this really WAS God's plan, to open the appropriate doors - if not, keep them closed and take the desire of my heart in a different direction. With ease - everything happened with total ease! I start in the fall! :)

By now you are probably wondering just how I plan to do this with such a heavy lurking fear - of the thing that I will be going to school for ...Well, through only the strength, grace, love, and mercy of God - I have begun the slow process of 'shedding the layer'. I have had such an enormous layer of fear built up in me, that I had to start from scratch to tear it down. That started by God placing just the right people in my path to start giving me lessons. Since December I have been going to Houghton, almost weekly, for lessons. I've had amazing lessons, and not-so-good lessons - and I have grown both in faith and confidence through the strength of Jesus - and I know that my sister is with me at each and every turn. Am I fear-free? Not even close - but the progress I have made is incredible - and the horses that I have been blessed to ride have been amazing. My instructor was literally a gift to me from God - I couldn't have come this far without her and her patience and her heart! And I know that I will continue to be blessed by the people that God places in my path!

To make a long story short - this blog is my new beginning - my journey of grieving the loss of my sister as well as shedding the layer!! If you've made it this far - thank you for bearing with me...not all of my posts will be this gigantic!! ;)

Blessings!