So, I saw and talked with my sister last night. Although it was in a dream, I am 100% sure it was real! It was the best dream I've ever had in my life to date!
I walked through a random doorway and was suddenly startled by a hand - although the instant I saw it, I knew it was her! I asked "is that you? Are you here?" - and sure enough, she came out from behind the door. I instantly grabbed her and held her in my arms for several minutes - all the while, I kept looking at her and taking her face in my hands and kissing her, saying "it's really you! It's really you!". I felt her skin, I smelled her, I looked into her eyes, I KNOW it was really her! As we stood there hugging, I noticed that there was something different about her. She did not act as she would have acted during a reunion. She was very calm, not flailing all around dancing around in circles for 10 minutes. There was an extreme presence of peace about her - she was so gentle and quiet. I knew she couldn't stay long - and I knew I only had enough time to ask her one question. I told her that I knew she couldn't stay, but begged her to answer my question. She lovingly agreed. I then looked straight into her big beautiful brown eyes and asked "do you hear me when I pray?" She took my face into her hands as gently and warmly as she could and looked back into my eyes and explained - "Ninna, I wish you could see it! Words cannot describe it. When you pray, there is a great light that is upon you. A light that is too intense for words. As you pray the light shines upon you for all of the heavens to see. I wish you could see it from my perspective." I then said, "but do you hear me when I talk to you?" She again looked into my eyes and simply said, "I am ALWAYS with you!" The dreaded moment came when I knew she had to go - I clung to her and begged her to stay just a few more minutes - but she explained to me that I knew she had to go. And once more she said "I am always with you."
I know it sounds crazy - but I am FULLY convinced that it wasn't a dream! I know it really happened - I know I held my sweet sister last night! And the best part is - I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt now, that she hears me when I pray!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Fair Amount of Jammin' and Suckage
Sometimes I am obsessed with listening to Tate's ipod. I don't know if it is because I feel as though her music is such a huge piece of her - and every single song screams "her"...or if the selection of music is just so random and fun...? I will go months without touching it, and then, I will go for days at a time when my headphones don't leave my ears! Today was a Tate-ipod day the whole day at work...from the classic Tate-80's jams, to the Stones, to the funky Fergie, to the Journey, to the monster ballads - and even some country thrown into the mix! I feel as though I could live through anyday or time or era - as long as I had her ipod to jam to. My world transforms into a different universe all together. I am constantly tapping my feet, bobbing my head, or playing the air drums - embarrassing the heck outta myself, because I just cannot refrain. I love days like today when I chill in the essence of her!
But then...........the down-side comes along. I honestly, for the first time in a long time, just tried to call her. Right after she died, I would find myself reaching for my phone multiple times a day to call or text her. Her number is still in my phone, I can't take it out. Just now, as I was heading downstairs to study a bit before my class, I caught myself reaching for my phone - actually HEARING her voice...and in my own head, hearing my voice saying "hellllllllllllllo dawwwwwling deeeeeear"...(if you know us at all, you are well aware of the many crazy, silly voices we would use with each other). My heart just about sank.
Sometimes I feel as though she is on vacation - or overseas, or somewhere else far away. Sometimes I still feel as though I will get to talk to her and catch up with life for the past 9 months...oh what a phone marathon it'd be! Sometimes I miss her so much I can't catch my breath - and almost get excited to finally see and talk to her again.
Days like today - although jamming to the funky beat of Tate, and enjoying every minute of it - well, days like today just suck.
But then...........the down-side comes along. I honestly, for the first time in a long time, just tried to call her. Right after she died, I would find myself reaching for my phone multiple times a day to call or text her. Her number is still in my phone, I can't take it out. Just now, as I was heading downstairs to study a bit before my class, I caught myself reaching for my phone - actually HEARING her voice...and in my own head, hearing my voice saying "hellllllllllllllo dawwwwwling deeeeeear"...(if you know us at all, you are well aware of the many crazy, silly voices we would use with each other). My heart just about sank.
Sometimes I feel as though she is on vacation - or overseas, or somewhere else far away. Sometimes I still feel as though I will get to talk to her and catch up with life for the past 9 months...oh what a phone marathon it'd be! Sometimes I miss her so much I can't catch my breath - and almost get excited to finally see and talk to her again.
Days like today - although jamming to the funky beat of Tate, and enjoying every minute of it - well, days like today just suck.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Quietly Sitting Above the Rut...
Today was an awesome day to be in church! I always find that the mornings I really just want to stay in bed and cover my head; but ultimately end up going - are the best mornings to be there! I am always so blessed on these particular days! Our team was doing worship this morning, and we had a an amazing set - along with an awesome time of worship. The times that we feel the least confident in ourselves are the times that it just all comes together! Funny how both of those concepts coincide with each other. God is cool like that!
The best thing about today, by far, was realizing that for the first time in a really long time, I am NOT in "a rut"! That is something that feels so good to say. I have become quite comfortable in my 'rut', I am very familiar with that realm. Especially since Tate died, a rut should have been my change of address instead of Kersey. Praise Jesus, I am not in a rut!
I guess I always feel as though I have the "dead sister" card to play. I don't think that ever expires - however, I realized today that I have not had to use it as of late. Sure, I definitely have my moments of sadness, and a tiny glimpse of depression setting in - but lately I have been able to shake it off and focus on the amazing other things going on - rather than being held captive by my loss. I don't feel as though I deserve to be praised for dusting myself lately - I just feel as though, especially with spring finally here, after that long, cold, dreary, miserable winter - that when you are looking for sadness in every corner, and waiting for that lurking agony to strike - chances are...it will!! Setting my sights higher - on simple things...little things...not-so-obvious things; is when I feel as though I CAN breathe, and the stabbing pain in my gut does go away! Even though there are days that I feel justified to stand on the rooftops and scream to the world "HEY! MY SISTER IS DEAD - FEEL BAD FOR ME!" I've realized that those days aren't happening as often. That is a good feeling! Life is HARD, and I am realizing that more and more - and even though it's a cliche', it is so true: whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger! So I wasn't jumping for joy today talking about a headstone for my sister, but I got through it with flying colors!
I also feel as though a huge weight has been and will continue to lift with my riding! About a month ago, I was driving up to Houghton for a lesson - my mom and Betty were close behind me, as they were coming up as well to watch the dressage show. I had an amazing time with God pretty much the whole way up. I prayed and I cried and I sang and I yelled and I wept - it was a true breakthrough. I was coming off of a pretty upsetting lesson from the week before, and I finally was able to open my eyes to one very key point - that even all of my praying and talking with God about my riding ...was NEVER brought in with me past the arena doors - it wasn't even being brought in through the barn doors. I wasn't bringing the One Person I NEEDED to bring with me to my lessons - God! We chatted about that on the drive up that day - and since then, since that realization, I have found that my confidence has been soaring! My instructor reminded me, after my not-so-good lesson, that I couldn't overcome this fear with my own power - only GOD could transform me, and help me shed this layer! She encouraged me with that just when I needed it! I am no longer in a rut with my riding! I am excited about it more so than nervous about it. A few lessons ago, I actually got to feel like what it is supposed to feel like up there. It felt good, right, Awesome! I have recently started trotting - and even with that, I feel as though things are getting so.much.smaller. in my fear spectrum! God is doing an AMAZING thing with this whole silly fear thing - I feel as though He is literally taking my fear, transforming my fear, and allowing me the strength and courage to look at it completely different. That didn't start to happen until I invited Him to come with me TO my lessons, not just up until and after my lessons! Good things!
I am a lot of things - I have a lot of things to work out - I have a long way to go, both in my grieving and my riding...but Thank God, for the time being - in a RUT I am NOT! :)
The best thing about today, by far, was realizing that for the first time in a really long time, I am NOT in "a rut"! That is something that feels so good to say. I have become quite comfortable in my 'rut', I am very familiar with that realm. Especially since Tate died, a rut should have been my change of address instead of Kersey. Praise Jesus, I am not in a rut!
I guess I always feel as though I have the "dead sister" card to play. I don't think that ever expires - however, I realized today that I have not had to use it as of late. Sure, I definitely have my moments of sadness, and a tiny glimpse of depression setting in - but lately I have been able to shake it off and focus on the amazing other things going on - rather than being held captive by my loss. I don't feel as though I deserve to be praised for dusting myself lately - I just feel as though, especially with spring finally here, after that long, cold, dreary, miserable winter - that when you are looking for sadness in every corner, and waiting for that lurking agony to strike - chances are...it will!! Setting my sights higher - on simple things...little things...not-so-obvious things; is when I feel as though I CAN breathe, and the stabbing pain in my gut does go away! Even though there are days that I feel justified to stand on the rooftops and scream to the world "HEY! MY SISTER IS DEAD - FEEL BAD FOR ME!" I've realized that those days aren't happening as often. That is a good feeling! Life is HARD, and I am realizing that more and more - and even though it's a cliche', it is so true: whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger! So I wasn't jumping for joy today talking about a headstone for my sister, but I got through it with flying colors!
I also feel as though a huge weight has been and will continue to lift with my riding! About a month ago, I was driving up to Houghton for a lesson - my mom and Betty were close behind me, as they were coming up as well to watch the dressage show. I had an amazing time with God pretty much the whole way up. I prayed and I cried and I sang and I yelled and I wept - it was a true breakthrough. I was coming off of a pretty upsetting lesson from the week before, and I finally was able to open my eyes to one very key point - that even all of my praying and talking with God about my riding ...was NEVER brought in with me past the arena doors - it wasn't even being brought in through the barn doors. I wasn't bringing the One Person I NEEDED to bring with me to my lessons - God! We chatted about that on the drive up that day - and since then, since that realization, I have found that my confidence has been soaring! My instructor reminded me, after my not-so-good lesson, that I couldn't overcome this fear with my own power - only GOD could transform me, and help me shed this layer! She encouraged me with that just when I needed it! I am no longer in a rut with my riding! I am excited about it more so than nervous about it. A few lessons ago, I actually got to feel like what it is supposed to feel like up there. It felt good, right, Awesome! I have recently started trotting - and even with that, I feel as though things are getting so.much.smaller. in my fear spectrum! God is doing an AMAZING thing with this whole silly fear thing - I feel as though He is literally taking my fear, transforming my fear, and allowing me the strength and courage to look at it completely different. That didn't start to happen until I invited Him to come with me TO my lessons, not just up until and after my lessons! Good things!
I am a lot of things - I have a lot of things to work out - I have a long way to go, both in my grieving and my riding...but Thank God, for the time being - in a RUT I am NOT! :)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Intro to Shedding the Layer
What a wild ride it has been! Most of you reading this know about the loss of my best friend and sister, Tate - but some of you new to reading my blogs do not. In August of 08 we lost Tate to a simple surgery gone wrong! It was completely unexpected and by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me! I won't go into each and every tear, or grieving moment since then, but I will say first and foremost how amazing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is! I take comfort each and every single day in the fact that my sister is dancing on the streets of gold - and is watching over all of us - in every move that we make. She will forever be missed, and I will always have a hole in my heart about the size of her - but thank you Jesus, she is living in Your glorious kingdom!
I truly feel as though she is now my guardian angel, watching over me, laughing with me, riding in my car with me, and even wrapping her arms around me as I dream at night! Now more than ever I can say that I need a guardian angel - as I have taken her death and my loss and opened up my eyes and my heart to God's voice and have realized that all along the way of my life, through all of the ups and downs, and all of the uncertainties, and doubts, and fears, failures included - I now know that I am to do what I had intended on doing all along. Finally follow my dream as a young girl and go to Houghton College - for the equestrian program! How awesome God is - and to think...He knew all along that this is where my wandering would lead me!! Every possible door has been flung open for this quest - which confirms in my spirit each and every single day, that this is His plan for my life. Finally - at 28 years old, I finally know what I am to do with my existence! I never thought the day would come - and right there, like a flash before my eyes, when I was least expecting it - I knew.
It was mid-to-late October, Shawn and I had gone up to visit my other sister and her husband in Houghton. We had an amazing day - full of little blessings...we got to be up in the organ loft as a student practiced in the chapel - talk about amazing! It was so powerful to be up there with him playing that beautiful and majestic instrument! We had a perfect day for hiking around Letchworth in the fall - and we had a lot of laughs! We decided to end our adventure by taking my niece up to see the horses at the college horse farm - a place I had not been in over 10 years! I had long given up on my dream to become an accomplished rider - I had long ago given into the fear that remained festering in my soul since the summer at horse camp where I had been thrown, and since scared to death - not only of the horses, but of the fear itself. As we were happily driving along, we turned onto Tucker Hill Road - and soon we were turning onto School Farm Road - right then and there something so unexpected happened inside of me. To this day I cannot fully explain what exactly happened. I just know that it was like God Himself was whispering sweetly in my ear...I felt as though He Himself was gently nudging on my soul, and carefully guiding me by the arm - leading me up the road to the barn. Once there, we got to go in and out of all of the barns and luckily all of the horses were in their stalls so we could see them in all of their beauty. The funny thing was - this whole time we were wandering up and down the aisles of awesomeness - I could not bring myself to pet one - not one single feel - not one touch - nothing - I got really close to some of them, but at the end, pulled my hand away and continued on. I then realized at that moment two things: the first thing that was quickly becoming clear to me was that I was still just as much in love with horses as I had ever been! A deep, passionate, can't sleep at night love. I could feel the burning of the tears behind my eyes - I tear up now just recalling this day that changed my life! I also realized that my fear, or what was once my fear of horses, was so much bigger than I had even realized! Not dealing with my fear over the years caused it to stay in my soul - to lay dormant and fester into something that I hadn't even realized. It was so big, I could barely get a handle on it. I was torn with these two discoveries - I was still deeply in love with horses, but feared nothing more. Very confusing indeed!
The rest is history...By the time we were on our way home that evening, it was clear to me that my spirit was tangled and broken - I didn't quite know where to put all of this new information - I think I cried the whole way to Bradford. A few months later, after much thinking and praying and praying some more - I was accepted (finally) for admission to Houghton College! All along the way, I would pray with all of my might - if this really WAS God's plan, to open the appropriate doors - if not, keep them closed and take the desire of my heart in a different direction. With ease - everything happened with total ease! I start in the fall! :)
By now you are probably wondering just how I plan to do this with such a heavy lurking fear - of the thing that I will be going to school for ...Well, through only the strength, grace, love, and mercy of God - I have begun the slow process of 'shedding the layer'. I have had such an enormous layer of fear built up in me, that I had to start from scratch to tear it down. That started by God placing just the right people in my path to start giving me lessons. Since December I have been going to Houghton, almost weekly, for lessons. I've had amazing lessons, and not-so-good lessons - and I have grown both in faith and confidence through the strength of Jesus - and I know that my sister is with me at each and every turn. Am I fear-free? Not even close - but the progress I have made is incredible - and the horses that I have been blessed to ride have been amazing. My instructor was literally a gift to me from God - I couldn't have come this far without her and her patience and her heart! And I know that I will continue to be blessed by the people that God places in my path!
To make a long story short - this blog is my new beginning - my journey of grieving the loss of my sister as well as shedding the layer!! If you've made it this far - thank you for bearing with me...not all of my posts will be this gigantic!! ;)
Blessings!
I truly feel as though she is now my guardian angel, watching over me, laughing with me, riding in my car with me, and even wrapping her arms around me as I dream at night! Now more than ever I can say that I need a guardian angel - as I have taken her death and my loss and opened up my eyes and my heart to God's voice and have realized that all along the way of my life, through all of the ups and downs, and all of the uncertainties, and doubts, and fears, failures included - I now know that I am to do what I had intended on doing all along. Finally follow my dream as a young girl and go to Houghton College - for the equestrian program! How awesome God is - and to think...He knew all along that this is where my wandering would lead me!! Every possible door has been flung open for this quest - which confirms in my spirit each and every single day, that this is His plan for my life. Finally - at 28 years old, I finally know what I am to do with my existence! I never thought the day would come - and right there, like a flash before my eyes, when I was least expecting it - I knew.
It was mid-to-late October, Shawn and I had gone up to visit my other sister and her husband in Houghton. We had an amazing day - full of little blessings...we got to be up in the organ loft as a student practiced in the chapel - talk about amazing! It was so powerful to be up there with him playing that beautiful and majestic instrument! We had a perfect day for hiking around Letchworth in the fall - and we had a lot of laughs! We decided to end our adventure by taking my niece up to see the horses at the college horse farm - a place I had not been in over 10 years! I had long given up on my dream to become an accomplished rider - I had long ago given into the fear that remained festering in my soul since the summer at horse camp where I had been thrown, and since scared to death - not only of the horses, but of the fear itself. As we were happily driving along, we turned onto Tucker Hill Road - and soon we were turning onto School Farm Road - right then and there something so unexpected happened inside of me. To this day I cannot fully explain what exactly happened. I just know that it was like God Himself was whispering sweetly in my ear...I felt as though He Himself was gently nudging on my soul, and carefully guiding me by the arm - leading me up the road to the barn. Once there, we got to go in and out of all of the barns and luckily all of the horses were in their stalls so we could see them in all of their beauty. The funny thing was - this whole time we were wandering up and down the aisles of awesomeness - I could not bring myself to pet one - not one single feel - not one touch - nothing - I got really close to some of them, but at the end, pulled my hand away and continued on. I then realized at that moment two things: the first thing that was quickly becoming clear to me was that I was still just as much in love with horses as I had ever been! A deep, passionate, can't sleep at night love. I could feel the burning of the tears behind my eyes - I tear up now just recalling this day that changed my life! I also realized that my fear, or what was once my fear of horses, was so much bigger than I had even realized! Not dealing with my fear over the years caused it to stay in my soul - to lay dormant and fester into something that I hadn't even realized. It was so big, I could barely get a handle on it. I was torn with these two discoveries - I was still deeply in love with horses, but feared nothing more. Very confusing indeed!
The rest is history...By the time we were on our way home that evening, it was clear to me that my spirit was tangled and broken - I didn't quite know where to put all of this new information - I think I cried the whole way to Bradford. A few months later, after much thinking and praying and praying some more - I was accepted (finally) for admission to Houghton College! All along the way, I would pray with all of my might - if this really WAS God's plan, to open the appropriate doors - if not, keep them closed and take the desire of my heart in a different direction. With ease - everything happened with total ease! I start in the fall! :)
By now you are probably wondering just how I plan to do this with such a heavy lurking fear - of the thing that I will be going to school for ...Well, through only the strength, grace, love, and mercy of God - I have begun the slow process of 'shedding the layer'. I have had such an enormous layer of fear built up in me, that I had to start from scratch to tear it down. That started by God placing just the right people in my path to start giving me lessons. Since December I have been going to Houghton, almost weekly, for lessons. I've had amazing lessons, and not-so-good lessons - and I have grown both in faith and confidence through the strength of Jesus - and I know that my sister is with me at each and every turn. Am I fear-free? Not even close - but the progress I have made is incredible - and the horses that I have been blessed to ride have been amazing. My instructor was literally a gift to me from God - I couldn't have come this far without her and her patience and her heart! And I know that I will continue to be blessed by the people that God places in my path!
To make a long story short - this blog is my new beginning - my journey of grieving the loss of my sister as well as shedding the layer!! If you've made it this far - thank you for bearing with me...not all of my posts will be this gigantic!! ;)
Blessings!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)