Quietly Sitting Above the Rut...

Today was an awesome day to be in church! I always find that the mornings I really just want to stay in bed and cover my head; but ultimately end up going - are the best mornings to be there! I am always so blessed on these particular days! Our team was doing worship this morning, and we had a an amazing set - along with an awesome time of worship. The times that we feel the least confident in ourselves are the times that it just all comes together! Funny how both of those concepts coincide with each other. God is cool like that!

The best thing about today, by far, was realizing that for the first time in a really long time, I am NOT in "a rut"! That is something that feels so good to say. I have become quite comfortable in my 'rut', I am very familiar with that realm. Especially since Tate died, a rut should have been my change of address instead of Kersey. Praise Jesus, I am not in a rut!

I guess I always feel as though I have the "dead sister" card to play. I don't think that ever expires - however, I realized today that I have not had to use it as of late. Sure, I definitely have my moments of sadness, and a tiny glimpse of depression setting in - but lately I have been able to shake it off and focus on the amazing other things going on - rather than being held captive by my loss. I don't feel as though I deserve to be praised for dusting myself lately - I just feel as though, especially with spring finally here, after that long, cold, dreary, miserable winter - that when you are looking for sadness in every corner, and waiting for that lurking agony to strike - chances are...it will!! Setting my sights higher - on simple things...little things...not-so-obvious things; is when I feel as though I CAN breathe, and the stabbing pain in my gut does go away! Even though there are days that I feel justified to stand on the rooftops and scream to the world "HEY! MY SISTER IS DEAD - FEEL BAD FOR ME!" I've realized that those days aren't happening as often. That is a good feeling! Life is HARD, and I am realizing that more and more - and even though it's a cliche', it is so true: whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger! So I wasn't jumping for joy today talking about a headstone for my sister, but I got through it with flying colors!

I also feel as though a huge weight has been and will continue to lift with my riding! About a month ago, I was driving up to Houghton for a lesson - my mom and Betty were close behind me, as they were coming up as well to watch the dressage show. I had an amazing time with God pretty much the whole way up. I prayed and I cried and I sang and I yelled and I wept - it was a true breakthrough. I was coming off of a pretty upsetting lesson from the week before, and I finally was able to open my eyes to one very key point - that even all of my praying and talking with God about my riding ...was NEVER brought in with me past the arena doors - it wasn't even being brought in through the barn doors. I wasn't bringing the One Person I NEEDED to bring with me to my lessons - God! We chatted about that on the drive up that day - and since then, since that realization, I have found that my confidence has been soaring! My instructor reminded me, after my not-so-good lesson, that I couldn't overcome this fear with my own power - only GOD could transform me, and help me shed this layer! She encouraged me with that just when I needed it! I am no longer in a rut with my riding! I am excited about it more so than nervous about it. A few lessons ago, I actually got to feel like what it is supposed to feel like up there. It felt good, right, Awesome! I have recently started trotting - and even with that, I feel as though things are getting so.much.smaller. in my fear spectrum! God is doing an AMAZING thing with this whole silly fear thing - I feel as though He is literally taking my fear, transforming my fear, and allowing me the strength and courage to look at it completely different. That didn't start to happen until I invited Him to come with me TO my lessons, not just up until and after my lessons! Good things!

I am a lot of things - I have a lot of things to work out - I have a long way to go, both in my grieving and my riding...but Thank God, for the time being - in a RUT I am NOT! :)